An Open Letter to Myself

With the new year comes a lot of self-reflection and I can’t help but to think about all of my experiences that led me to this season of my life. A season where I am healing from the past, a season where I am bettering myself every single day, and a season where I am living out my dream life of experiencing other cultures while teaching english in foreign countries.

In the past, I have always questioned my worth and my purpose in life. There were many days where I lost all hope: hope in not only myself, but in humans in general. There were multiple days where I didn’t see the point in continuing forward and pushing through. There were days filled with tears, heartbreak, and pain. But there were also days filled with adventure, belly laughs, lots of love, and sunshine. It took me to taking the first step and moving across the world to realize that I had to go through all of the things that I had in the past in order to get to the place that I am at today. It is so clear to me now that each and every experience we have, each and every person we meet along the way, all serve a purpose. We cross those paths for a reason, whether that reason is to teach us a lesson, or just to give us a new perspective on something. But ultimately the good, the bad, and the ugly all serve a purpose in our lives.

For as long as I can remember, I would look in the mirror and not be able to recognize the person staring back at me. I wondered where the happy, carefree, younger version of myself went. The girl who got excited about the little things in life. I knew she was still deep down inside of me, underneath the silent battles that I constantly fought in my head and underneath the insecure girl who constantly looked for approval in other people. As each year grew, I kept shrinking myself to fit into everyone else’s reality, never really learning to love myself enough to realize that I deserved to blossom right where I was.

With that being said, I wanted to apologize to the girl I used to be. The girl who spent countless nights crying herself to sleep. The girl who had to constantly pick herself up off of the bathroom floor. The girl who would bend over backwards to help anyone while feeling completely empty inside. The girl who would do anything just to feel something again. The girl who would spend days on end in bed because she didn’t see the purpose of getting out. The girl who felt like she was suffocating while the weight of the world on her shoulders came crashing down. The girl who couldn’t explain why she felt the way she did, because she didn’t even understand it herself. The girl who used alcohol to try to take away the pain, even if it was just for a night. The girl who couldn’t find the strength to keep fighting. The girl who never felt good enough for anyone, including herself.

My heart completely shatters for old Kayla. The Kayla who felt unworthy, insignificant, lost, and alone. The Kayla who felt exhausted trying to prove herself. I have never loved and accepted myself more than I do now and from the bottom of my heart, I sincerely apologize to myself for not finding the strength to love myself sooner and for all of the harm that I have caused to my body over the years.

Today, I look in the mirror and see a different person. A new version of myself that I have yet to discover. I see someone who has finally found the light again. I see someone who feels like a ray of sunshine and wants nothing more then to spread that sunshine with the world. I see someone who wants to better herself, both physically and mentally. I see someone who wants to play her part in saving the world, as well as someone who will do all that she can to do just that. I see someone who is excited and hopeful for the future. I see someone who is grateful for her experiences, both good and bad, and happy with where she is in this moment. I finally see me.

This is only the beginning of my journey to Finding Kayla, and so far I like what I have found.